A No-Nonsense Guide To Eating Pizza
I have witnessed too many unimaginable errors. It’s time to make a change.
How to eat pizza. Something I never thought I would have to explain, but it seems some people aren’t as well practised in pizza consumption as they should be.
You must treat gods gift with the utmost respect that it deserves and it is vital that you learn from the very best.
I am well versed in eating pizza, my favourite pastime from a very young age. Transitioning from the habitual eating style of pepperoni only, my pizza palate now consists of a huge array of flavours. I have tried and tested all kinds of pizza, and pizza-eating procedures, in order to achieve impeccable pizza consumption.
So yes, you are in fact, learning from the very best.
Here goes, a no-nonsense guide on how to eat pizza:
1. Always with your hands
I don’t know who came up with the idea of eating pizza with a knife and fork, but they are very off the mark with pizza-eating etiquette. Not to mention that it’s a waste of time, energy, and food.
If your pizza hasn’t been cut, and you only have a knife and fork to hand, then by all means use a knife and fork. But only to cut tactful, trim, and tantalising triangles, which you will then proceed to pick up with your fingers.
2. Fold without fail
The only remotely logical argument I can think of for using a knife and fork is because the pizza is too hot to hold. I will however stop right there because heat is not an excuse. That’s like saying you can’t go out for drinks because you’ve got work the next day, we all know you’re going to go out anyway!
Pick up the pizza slice and give it a formidable, five finger fold. You will protect your hands from touching any unwanted scalding cheese, and crucially, you will protect your precious palate, the most influential tool when indulging in pizza.
(Folding also allows for the maximum amount of pizza in each bite, talk about bang for your bite).
3. The base — Strictly tomato pizza sauce
Don’t think for a second that bbq sauce is an exception, nobody needs to eat that amount of bbq sauce in one meal. It is unpalatable.
4. Toppings — Go big or go home
Once you have got the base sorted, top that delectable dough with whatever you like! Yes, I may judge you if you choose pineapple, but if that's what the doctor ordered, then you must comply.
5. Pass the ranch, please
You cannot, at all costs, eat a pizza without a dip. Ranch is preferred, but any mouthwatering, garlicky, creamy goodness will do.
Pizza didn’t come with a dip? No excuse. Wack out some mayo, garlic, and sriracha (according to taste), and you’re ready to go.
(If you can get yourself to Canada and bulk buy the Pizza Pizza creamy garlic dipping sauce then your dipping experience will be “finger-licking good”).
6. Save the crust till last
Why fill up on bread, when you could be filling up on greasy goodness? Once you’ve got the good stuff down you, then you can give the crusts your undivided attention.
(It is essential for optimum crust eating experience that you still have dip, you need at least a 1:1 ratio of dip to crust in each bite).
Follow this simple guide and your pizza consumption will be flawless. You can thank me later.
Things to remember:
- Once the pizza is cut, hand and mouth contact only.
- Never eat a slice flat – fold that terrific triangle like your life depends on it.
- Tomato sauce, or no pizza.
- You must be open and accepting of all toppings.
- The dip is the flip to your flop.
- Pizza first, crust later.
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